Life · Life & Other mysteries · Life's stories

On My Mind

I have been bothered, (scratch that!) worried about many, many things for the past few days. Thinking and thinking and worrying. I need solutions, I need answers. Heck, I need to get far away from it all! I want to be left alone but I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t even want to talk about it. Most of this stuff I should talk over with Adams and I know how I hurt him when I don’t. No vex, I can be very keepingtomyself-ish, I’m a work in progress. Lame excuse but an excuse all the same.
I am worried about my sisters and my brother, about Adams, about my future, our future, about my health, about my finances, about life, about friends and about my ‘status’ with God. I fall short and I am still not where I think I should be or rather, getting there is taking too long. Maybe there really is here. I am still even worried about this our Nigeria. Why on earth is the Dame getting a house for goodness sake?! The things we let slide in this country is just amazing and perplexing.

*sigh*

I need to hear from God on some issues but I haven’t even waited or fasted, just badgered Him. I have been really lazy with my relationship with Him. I need to get back, retrace my steps. By the way, New Dawn, thank you for the song you sang on Sunday.

*singing* Lord help a sister out now.

At night, when I want to stop thinking, I escape it all by falling asleep and this song, amongst others, helps me sometimes. There’s a line in it that says, “Rest your head, you worry too much. It’s gonna be alright…”


But who’s to say it doesn’t all come back to haunt you in your dreams?

One of the other things bugging me is my hair!!! When a lady braids her hair, she usually plans for it to last about 3 or 4 weeks. Or even 5 weeks gan sef, if it manages not to stink. I braided my hair like a week before my birthday so it’s only been about 3 weeks but men, the stench from the thing ehn! Kai. I was at an event yesterday where I had to meet, greet and hug and I just kept imagining the hell I was putting people through. I’m so sorry, forgive and forget please. Thank you. 🙂
I need to sit down one full evening and take the braids out but no time and no strength. Wait oh, I can do it in a saloon na. I always forget that it can be done in a saloon – with multiple hands and all I have to do is sit and doze. Ijeoma!

As Biola says here, one cannot tell by the faces of some people that all is not well. You may not be able to see the pain through the smiles but EVERY single person is going through something, don’t doubt that.

*phew* Thank God, I finally let that out! This has been my contemplation for a while so, here is what I think I should do. I think I should take a break. I think I should learn not to worry so, so much. I think I need to trust God more and I have to let go because it is not in my hands. The times and the seasons belong to Him and Him alone. Only by His grace do I stand.

It shall be well with us ALL. Amen.

On a lighter note, I have noticed that when I introduce myself to some people as ‘Ijeoma’ they go,

Oh, pleased to meet you, Ijay.

Or hello IJ.

Or Ije. As in, they automatically shorten the name. I don’t have a problem with it, really, it’s just an interesting and fascinating observation.

🙂

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “On My Mind

  1. Yes Ijeoma 🙂 sometimes it is difficult to explain our worries to someone, and even when I want to pray,I sometimes can’t find the words but I know God understands ♍ƺ more than I understand myself.

  2. I look at this article and I see you were born to write. And then I look deeper and I notice you have a deep and beautiful mind, troubled as it may seem by lifes struggles but it is actually being shaped. Your life is an interesting journey, I am glad you have welcomed me aboard to journey with you. 🙂

  3. and talk i shall
    thank you for this piece and its nice to know I’m not the only one going through it but its true we really need to stop worrying
    so i say my dear rest your head and trust that things will only get better.

  4. Ij, this the song that has always helped me pull through all situations> because He lives, I can face tomorrow…………………………………………………………………………………….

  5. Beautiful article, Pearl IJ. Thanks for sharing.

    I was at a very depressing state some weeks ago, due to mounting school stress. I’ve literally not had a weekend completely free of academics since October. I was so depressed that i considered going to the school clinic to for depression treatment.

    Suddenly that night, my mom called me (for the first time since i got here), to encourage and motivate me. Her call gave me some strength to push through.

    Other restless thoughts still remain though. Final year project…getting a better job…marriage….getting a good girlfriend…finances…cooking in Leeds….nigeria….religion….etc….

    Do these thoughts ever leave us? Not till death.

  6. Ur mind must be big to accomdate all these in the midst of tasking duties & obligations. If there’s more space, I have some stuffs to drop there. But, in the meanwhile, hold onto the fact that ‘you have all it takes to waether whatever it is, cos d Lord is ur strength’.

  7. Often I’m clueless of what I want and even to pray about, sometimes I ‘feel’ I don’t need anything/anybody, always I know I need ‘at least’ something/someone/someplace/one-word.

    “Lord, I can’t say it with words. . .can you please just listen to my Heart. Amen”

    Ijeoma, I capture your words. . .
    “. . .I can be very keepingtomyself-ish, I’m a work in progress. Lame excuse but an excuse all the same.
    I am worried about my sisters and my brother, about . . ., about my future, . . .future, about my health, about my finances, about life, about friends and about my ‘status’ with God. I fall short and I am still not where I think I should be or rather, getting there is taking too long. Maybe there really is here. I am still even worried about this our Nigeria”.

    It shall be well with you. Amen.

  8. Unending cycle it is…this beautiful gift of a mind. I can so relate to this…especially how the negatives can wear one down thought after thought, worry after worry and take our eyes off God’s bankable commitment and care to us.
    May we learn to dwell only on things characterized by praise, virtue, good reports, purity etc , that our journey be lighter and enriching on all counts.

    P.s; I appreciate the not-ordered account this post is. Its refreshing…thank you for listening

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